I Was a Beast, Says Female Prisoner Who Hopes for Rehabilitation

CDCR. The California Department Of Corrections And Rehabilitation. Correction? Rehabilitation? What do these words look like? What do they mean? Are they nouns or verbs? Could it be more than a name or is it an action? Is correcting behavior and thinking, rehabilitating someone to return and function within society without further incident, truly possible?? If so, making the person's crime an anomalous event, bifurcating a person's dysfunctional life before prison from their fully functioning, successful, thriving life after prison and beyond?! If so, then prison is a place of transformation for those in which its mission is realized. A place of rebirth. While some need punishment. Others need something much different. I needed to be placed in a kiln on high heat and allowed enough time to transform.

I did bad. No excuses. However, I did not know how to do good. I thought I could do nothing but make bad choices.

When I went to juvenile hall as a kid, I took tons of self help. They were ineffective. The classes here in state prison, by contrast, are challenging, tough and cause change!! I got off too easy as a kid!! My fault. I thought I had 'game.' Always talking my way out of things.

I know what would have helped and stopped me. If just one adult would have held onto me like a mom and not let go, I would have looked at life much different. I would not have been in a dysfunctional relarionship. I remember always waiting and wanting someone, one person to come and stick by me. People always took interest but had their own families, kids, lives, etc. So, I never got anyone's full attention. Since I was about 3, I clearly remember wanting to be adopted. I knew at that age I would not be happy with my mom at my young age! I remember that because we began living in cars.

I remember the feeling that my family would be painful for me. I know without any doubt that God allowed me to experience things to shape me for the mission of my life. To work with young girls. I'm not a fan of working with girls. Me and my sisters hated each other growing up. However, my unique experiences allow me to know how to reach them. So, I feel compelled to do it. I feel energized just thing about it!!